Pat Robertson Condemns Fruits In Underwear

18 07 2007

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Ladies and Gentlemen — I want to discuss two vital subjects: First, in light of the recent United States elections last November in which people of faith played a major role, what do people of faith want for their country in the years ahead? And second: the pernicious moral threat that fruity men wearing underwear pose to our god-fearing way of life.

First, the greatest story ever told: Over the past century, the world has been experiencing the most profound revival of the Christian religion in all of history. This has taken place alongside two world wars, the fall of communism, the granting of the vote to right to women and Negroes, and the rise of Nintendo Wii-related activities.

Here are the startling facts. At present, Christianity is by far the world’s largest religion, encompassing one third of the world’s population. Christianity has been and still is growing at a much faster rate than the overall population. Many of these believers clad themselves in underwear, both before and after intercourse.

In 2007, there are 2,335,783,000 Christians in the world. By 2025, global Christianity will explode to 2,640,000,000 adherents. Of these, 799,320,000 will be Pentecostals and Charismatics — a group that could only count several hundred adherents at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. And at least half of these wear all-cotton briefs (renouncing the sinful looseness of boxers).

Now, many of you are probably already aware that Fruit of the Loom marched in the St. Patrick’s Day parade this past March, defiling this dignified, annual religious spectacle with hedonistic behavior that has shaken the very foundation of our Christian values. I need not cite scripture here: do not sample from forbidden fruit. A man dressed as a banana is a heathen. Beware of false apples!

Pat Robertson

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Wrist Strain Mysteriously Increases Among Male Population

6 07 2007

Reported incidents of Profound Wrist Strain (PWS) have sky-rocketed in the last six months. Public health officials have yet to determine the exact cause for this phenomenon but have ruled out self-fondling: a primitive practice resulting in blindness, irritability, and death.





Local Man Shot Dead in Freak Nintendo Accident

25 11 2006

MILWAUKEE, WS.: After a four-hour stand-down in Winnequequeg Mall, host of an annual game competition/fundraiser for victims of A.D.D., police officers shot and killed Delmore Grieux, a 19-year old college student who refused to comply with demands to “step away from the console.” An avid fan of Ninetendo Wii, a new gaming system which responds to bodily movements, including arm jolts, shoulder twitches, and facial tics, Delmore ignored repeated requests to “drop the Wii.” When he virtually taunted a bystander with the joystick, several officers opened fire, riddling his body with bullets. The bystander remained transfixed in front of a television screen, marvelling at how “life-like” his writhing seemed.