My Neck Itches (No, Wait: That’s Just Ann Coulter, Trying to Bite My Head Off)

8 01 2009

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For the last three weeks, my head has been itching incessantly. At first, I wasn’t sure what the cause was: a skin rash? Eczema? Allergic reaction? Then I remembered my date with Ann Coulter, who had tried to gnaw my head off.

It was our second time out together. I had just picked her up from her weekly Daughters of the American Revolution Garden and Racquetclub Meeting. As far as I could tell, she spent most of the time in the backyard.

“The cricket eggs are delicious,” she said, laughing. It was a long, sultry laugh and her breath smelled like a fine mulch. She draped a long, slim green leg over my thigh. “Not as good as the heads, though.”

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My conservative upbringing had prepared me for everything–prayer in public schools, bathroom breaks in airports–but nothing at all like this. She asked me to pull over. What could I say?

Five minutes later, she was rubbing tree bark up against my neck. She called it a “garnish,” which, at the time at least, I thought was kind of sexy. There was a tickling feeling underneath my collar, which I mistook for her tongue (or proboscis?) but realized later that it was only the larvae (which had burrowed inside the tree bark).

She demanded that I act like Al Franken or Keith Olbermann. I asked why and that’s when she started nibbling on my neck and called me Michael Moore.

That pretty much wiped out my arousal right there. I hit the accelerator, opened the passenger side window, and waited for her light, fluttery, deadly, malodorous body to be sucked back into the teeming void from whence she sprung.

But, damn, my neck still hurts.





Final Score = Bush, 0; Irony, Infinity

6 01 2009

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Rod Blagojevich Offers To Sell Bleeping Governor’s Seat

12 12 2008

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Responding to recent allegations that he offered to sell President-elect Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat to the highest bidder, Blagojevich responded by upping the ante and offered to throw in his own soon-to-be-vacated Governor’s Seat. No one, however, has stepped forward yet to make him an offer.

“It’s a bleeping valuable thing! You just don’t give it away for nothing…you gotta pay to play. It’s bleeping mahogany.”





Stock Prices Rise Following Rumors That Stock Prices Will Rise

21 11 2008

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Palin Congratulates President Elect From the Country of Africa

8 11 2008

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After church, Palin’s family posed for this picture, on the Alaskan coastline. Palin would later identify Libya in the background.

After two months of arduous campaigning–the My-Fair-Lady-coaching, the six-figure wardrobing, the Katie-Couric-catfight-to-end-all-catfights, etc.–Sarah Palin finally joined John McCain in conceding their party’s nomination to President Elect Barack Obama.

Returning to her office in Anchorage with several McC-aides, the state governor stood in front of a bay window that offered a breathtaking view of the shores of Tripoli, then sighed. “Y’know, I think this may be a historic moment for the North African Free Trade Agreement.” (An aide tried to correct her, but she roguely slapped him across the face). “Their country has never appointed a President, so we should welcome Obama to this continent with open arms.”

Palin’s comments puzzled reporters, who sought to broach the topic of foreign relations with her. She stood on the other side of her governor’s desk, flipping through a magazine. There were eight children in the room, some crawling, others drooling. One was named after a snowmobile company.

A reporter politely asked her what she was reading, and, unable to muster a reply, she started to cry. “If Todd were here” (her husband was out seal-clubbing) “he would tell you what a strain this has been on our family…not to mention our nation. Between Russia rearing its head in our airspace and Africa popping up on our border, foreign relations have become impossible around here.” Noticing the stunned look on reporters’ faces, Gov. Palin pulled down a screen-map of the Bering Strait. “Now do you see? Africa has moved into our sea space!” she cried, her voice reaching a frantic pitch. She began to babble, then speak in tongues.

This reporter, for one, hightailed it out of there. You betcha.

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Six Trillion Dollar Man Rescued in Historic Bailout

28 09 2008

WASHINGTON: Convening last week for a special session at the White House, Congress agreed to release the legendary “Six Trillion Dollar Man” from captivity. After eight years behind presidential bars, the man (who answers only to monosyllabic grunts, like “W”) has largely remained remote from the general public, which–as his close trainers claim–he fears for its harsh demands for taxes on the wealthy and their glutted corporations.

“W,” who declined an interview with Doubletake (but did gnaw on one of our cameraman’s ears–leaving a mark) replaced the Six Million Dollar Man in 1978 when Steve Austin’s no-bid construction contract with Halliburton expired. Since that time, W has been upgraded twice, in proportion to the amount of debt that he’s amassed along the way (in 2000, Y2-W was re-tooled as the 6 Billion Dollar Man and, after the recent mortgage/bank crises, he has assumed the mantle of 6TDM).

“The Fall Guy” (after cryogenic-hip-replacement surgery)

Top investment banks, which previously bank-rolled the current administration’s rise-to-power, now crumble in the wake of a meltdown that can be traced to the overly inflated price tag of the current administration’s titular tit-head.

“But taxpayers need not be too concerned,” Republican candidate John McCain observed on Thursday, at the White House, “I have a fool-proof plan to get our country back on track.” Anxious Congressional representatives huddled around Senator McCain, who stood calmly next to a shrouded figure. McCain waited until Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen fell to both knees at Nancy Pelosi’s feet, then whisked the shroud away:

“Behold: the Bionic Woman!”





Putin Denies Yanking North Korean Diplomat’s Red Belt

14 09 2008