Greenspan Predicts Own Unemployment will hit 100%

4 10 2009

Greenspan

New York.

— Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan predicted Sunday that his own personal unemployment will rise to 100% by January, 2010. Speaking to George Stephanopoulos, on ABC’s “This Week,” Greenspan said there are few signs that his employment figures would rise at any point in the near future, in large part because he has exchanged his public role as protector of the national economy for golfing, bird-watching, and nuzzling with his wife, Andrea Mitchell (whom he describes as his “stimulus package”).

“My own hunch is that I’m going to penetrate the 95% barrier and stay there for a while before I really slow down,” he told Mr. Stephanopoulos.

“What accounts for your remaining 5% employment?”

“At the moment, this interview…but as soon as it’s over, I should have no problem breaking the barrier.”





Middle Class Declares War on Lou Dobbs

15 04 2009

lou3

After more than a decade of enduring a war declared on their behalf, the middle class has finally returned the favor.On Weds., at high noon, the middle class collectively declared war on Lou Dobbs.

In recent years, bourgeois members have noted  increased hostilities, including Dobbs’s grumbling, shrugging, baleful-staring, relentless disgust with daily headlines, and persistent demands for Metamucil. Things came to a head last Friday, when Dobbs declared a “Middle Class Memorial Weekend” in lieu of Passover and Easter observances, then turned around, bent over, and asked A.I.G., Timothy Geithner, and Nancy Pelosi to “kiss my tuckus.”

Dobbs refused to answer questions posed by Doubletake, although he did grumble, then spit like a camel in heat on one of our reporters.





Six Trillion Dollar Man Rescued in Historic Bailout

28 09 2008

WASHINGTON: Convening last week for a special session at the White House, Congress agreed to release the legendary “Six Trillion Dollar Man” from captivity. After eight years behind presidential bars, the man (who answers only to monosyllabic grunts, like “W”) has largely remained remote from the general public, which–as his close trainers claim–he fears for its harsh demands for taxes on the wealthy and their glutted corporations.

“W,” who declined an interview with Doubletake (but did gnaw on one of our cameraman’s ears–leaving a mark) replaced the Six Million Dollar Man in 1978 when Steve Austin’s no-bid construction contract with Halliburton expired. Since that time, W has been upgraded twice, in proportion to the amount of debt that he’s amassed along the way (in 2000, Y2-W was re-tooled as the 6 Billion Dollar Man and, after the recent mortgage/bank crises, he has assumed the mantle of 6TDM).

“The Fall Guy” (after cryogenic-hip-replacement surgery)

Top investment banks, which previously bank-rolled the current administration’s rise-to-power, now crumble in the wake of a meltdown that can be traced to the overly inflated price tag of the current administration’s titular tit-head.

“But taxpayers need not be too concerned,” Republican candidate John McCain observed on Thursday, at the White House, “I have a fool-proof plan to get our country back on track.” Anxious Congressional representatives huddled around Senator McCain, who stood calmly next to a shrouded figure. McCain waited until Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen fell to both knees at Nancy Pelosi’s feet, then whisked the shroud away:

“Behold: the Bionic Woman!”