Six Trillion Dollar Man Rescued in Historic Bailout

28 09 2008

WASHINGTON: Convening last week for a special session at the White House, Congress agreed to release the legendary “Six Trillion Dollar Man” from captivity. After eight years behind presidential bars, the man (who answers only to monosyllabic grunts, like “W”) has largely remained remote from the general public, which–as his close trainers claim–he fears for its harsh demands for taxes on the wealthy and their glutted corporations.

“W,” who declined an interview with Doubletake (but did gnaw on one of our cameraman’s ears–leaving a mark) replaced the Six Million Dollar Man in 1978 when Steve Austin’s no-bid construction contract with Halliburton expired. Since that time, W has been upgraded twice, in proportion to the amount of debt that he’s amassed along the way (in 2000, Y2-W was re-tooled as the 6 Billion Dollar Man and, after the recent mortgage/bank crises, he has assumed the mantle of 6TDM).

“The Fall Guy” (after cryogenic-hip-replacement surgery)

Top investment banks, which previously bank-rolled the current administration’s rise-to-power, now crumble in the wake of a meltdown that can be traced to the overly inflated price tag of the current administration’s titular tit-head.

“But taxpayers need not be too concerned,” Republican candidate John McCain observed on Thursday, at the White House, “I have a fool-proof plan to get our country back on track.” Anxious Congressional representatives huddled around Senator McCain, who stood calmly next to a shrouded figure. McCain waited until Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen fell to both knees at Nancy Pelosi’s feet, then whisked the shroud away:

“Behold: the Bionic Woman!”





Bush Leaves Nation Twelve Digit IOU

29 07 2008

WASHINGTON: Despite mounting concerns over our nation’s current economic crises (in crumbling housing markets, sky-rocketing gas prices, and rising penalties on nocturnal emissions), the President put his cabinet at ease this afternoon by offering a “bona-fide gare-ahn-tee” that he would remunerate the 1/2 trillion dollars owed by his current administration.

“Look here,” he said, “I know we’ve racked up a pretty penny here, but I have taken measures to pay back every yen–ahem–dollar. Now a standard, government-issued I.O.U. just ain’t going to cut it, so we’ve added a few extra O’s. Why? Because I owe you so big that I oooooooooooowe you.”

At this point, Ed McMahon (of Publisher’s Clearing House) appeared with his latest wife, Yvette, and a giant-sized check.

Yvette may or may not be pictured here (depending on the reliability of Ed’s memory)

“Yes!” Ed laughed, handing the check off to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen, “You, sir, are correct!”

Standing in front of the cameras, Paulsen held up the first-ever, government-issued

I, OOO,OOO,OOO,OOO,U





Cheney Linked to Muppet-Abuse Scandal

22 06 2008

After nearly eight years as unofficial chief executive of the United States of America, Dick Cheney has managed to pull the strings of virtually every member of the Bush administration. What critics and pundits have only suspected about him in the past–his closet muppetophila—a former Press Secretary confirmed last Friday:

“George and all the top White House officials who knew the truth had been deceived–and therefore became unwittingly involved in deceiving me. Had any of them noticed that Cheney insisted on walking behind them at all times, either holding a platform under their feet or dangling strings above their heads—well, then, we might have said something. Actually, come to think of it, George almost did notice once–that is, until Karl Rowlf (the Dog) handed him a cookie.”

Scott McClellan (giving the “Pull THIS string” gesture”)

Karl Rowlf’s dedication to Bush bordered on obsession; even Schroeder (from “Peanuts”) admitted that his close friend had a serious problem.

Within days after McClellan’s confession, other muppets began to step forward–of their own volition–including Lewis “Scooter” Libby, whose brief, tortured career in the 1970’s plummeted from the heights of glorified minor celebrity to the depths of lowly production assistant. Indeed, in the past two decades, Scooter has fallen out of the spotlight, joining the ranks of Danny Bonaduce, half the cast of Labrynth, and Beaker (after his crippling crystal meth addiction).

Beaker\'s near-fatal meth-lab accident

Beaker’s near-fatal meth-lab accident.

Retreating to a remote Wyoming ranch in the late 1980’s, Scooter rarely made public appearances, but was also rumored to have rekindled a close friendship with Dick Cheney–both of whom appeared together on “The Muppet Show” in 1979:

scooter3.JPG

Scooter and Dick Cheney share a most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational moment together onstage.

Kermit D. Frog, who preceded McClelland as White House Press Secretary, left Bush I’s administration during the first Gulf War. “Dick totally got out of control,” he sighed, “those were his Dept. of Defense days, so a lot of that high-technology went straight to his head. I didn’t mind the smart bombs or the bunker blasters, but when he started talking about ‘Pigs in Space,’ my lady and I got the hell out of there.”

Around this same time, the heavy metal band “Metallica” released an album that not only would target Cheney as a blood-thirsty warmonger but would also cement the band’s reputation as muppet advocates: