Palin Congratulates President Elect From the Country of Africa

8 11 2008

palin-family

After church, Palin’s family posed for this picture, on the Alaskan coastline. Palin would later identify Libya in the background.

After two months of arduous campaigning–the My-Fair-Lady-coaching, the six-figure wardrobing, the Katie-Couric-catfight-to-end-all-catfights, etc.–Sarah Palin finally joined John McCain in conceding their party’s nomination to President Elect Barack Obama.

Returning to her office in Anchorage with several McC-aides, the state governor stood in front of a bay window that offered a breathtaking view of the shores of Tripoli, then sighed. “Y’know, I think this may be a historic moment for the North African Free Trade Agreement.” (An aide tried to correct her, but she roguely slapped him across the face). “Their country has never appointed a President, so we should welcome Obama to this continent with open arms.”

Palin’s comments puzzled reporters, who sought to broach the topic of foreign relations with her. She stood on the other side of her governor’s desk, flipping through a magazine. There were eight children in the room, some crawling, others drooling. One was named after a snowmobile company.

A reporter politely asked her what she was reading, and, unable to muster a reply, she started to cry. “If Todd were here” (her husband was out seal-clubbing) “he would tell you what a strain this has been on our family…not to mention our nation. Between Russia rearing its head in our airspace and Africa popping up on our border, foreign relations have become impossible around here.” Noticing the stunned look on reporters’ faces, Gov. Palin pulled down a screen-map of the Bering Strait. “Now do you see? Africa has moved into our sea space!” she cried, her voice reaching a frantic pitch. She began to babble, then speak in tongues.

This reporter, for one, hightailed it out of there. You betcha.

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Andrew Marvell, Warlock

8 07 2008

Poet, courtier, statesman…warlock. Andrew Marvell wore many hats during his lifetime…including a black pointy one.

Timeline of Nefarious Deeds:

1621 Discovered in a small, greene pod, in Yorkshire, March 3I by the Rev. Andrew Marvell and his wife, Anne. Adopted and christened Igor (after maternal uncle).

I624 Marvells chased by large, torch-wielding mob to Hampstead-Dam-Dull. Fearing divine retribution, they change child’s name to Andrew.

I633-7 Marvell matriculates at Trinity College, Cambridge. Dabbles in occult. Pet newt, Harold, translates Greek and Latin poems on Charles I, Queen Mary, and Ovid’s Metamorphoses.

I638-1639 Marvell becomes a scholar of Trinity. Harold burned at stake for blasphemy (Greek and Latin poems used for kindling). Marvell dismissed from Trinity.

I640 Father dies. Locusts descend, plagues abound, etc.

I640-46: Whereabouts unknown. Rumored to appear, briefly, at May Day celebrations, wearing only a fig leaf.

I650 Marvell opens for Prime Minister’s immensely popular Return from Ireland Tour. His Ode, “To the Papist-Bludgeoners, to Make Much of Time,” is sung in field and pub. Cromwell eats live bat on stage.

I650-53 Writes a series of homespun couplets which cloak nationalistic fervor in the guise of talent. Hips gyrate. Women faint.

1653-1657 Fearing for his own life, Milton recommends Marvell for a government position as Pig Latin Secretary (Later, Milton will steal Marvell’s title, “Aradisepay Ostlay”).

1656 Marvell fired for leaving out a poem in his title: “The Second Anniversary of the Government Under His Highness The Lord Protector Upon Whose Most Sacred Pinnacle We Gaze.”

I660 Intervenes in Commons to save Milton. In exchange, casts Spell of Incomprehensibility on Milton’s Syntax.

I661-63 Milton implores Marvell to cure him from the hex.

One letter (lasting three years) begins: “For that Babelling voice, which he who hexed Th’Apocalyps upon my style, heard cry in Heaven aloud, prolonged behind a thousand desperyte clauses, came furious down to be to be reveng’d on men’s Subjects, like Titans long-held captive to serve out never-ending sentences…”

I665-7 England starts war with Holland. Marvell responds by starting an advice column to painters (“First Advice to a Painter,” etc.) War ends. Veiled allegory between War and Paint lost on everyone…except painters.

I670-72 Milton locates Subject at end of sentence…loses his vision. His daughter commences reading aloud for him, hoping to find another Subject so that her father will also lose his voice.

I672-74 War with France as ally against Holland. Marvell abandons wildly unsuccessful stand-up act, “Mr. Thomas: The Dutch, Anti-Catholic, French-Hating Brit.”

1674: Second edition of Paradise Lost published. In return for Milton’s allowing him to write the introduction, Marvell promises to unravel syntax in 175 years.

1681: Marvel evaporates in a pillar of fire. (Milton’s wife banishes him to their basement, where he threatens to burn the building down).

1973: Thomas Pynchon inherits curse (Gravity’s Rainbow).






Walmart Employee Arrested for Flaring Customers

19 06 2008

Dieter Kohut (prior to arrest Thursday for exposing over 20 pieces of “flare” to unsuspecting customers)