Syndicated Lawyer Retires to Play Part of Fred Thompson

Branch (left) resembles Thompson (right) in all ways…except moral fiber and roughage.

WASHINGTON: In quite possibly the most untimely political move in recent history, Arthur Branch, syndicated district attorney of New York County, has decided to hang up his wig and gavel, once and for all, in order to play the role of his dreams: Fred Thompson, a fictional politician whose career ended after a fatal brush with reality.

Wig (left), gavel (right)

Branch, a Bizarro replica of Thompson, has inverted the former senator’s worst qualities in such a way that he appears almost authentic and sincere. In preparation for stump speeches, he rarely ever rehearses and (on at least one occasion) was recorded to have ad-libbed a cocktail toast.

Republican voters may complain about Branch’s lack of down-home, good-ol’-boy country charm, but they also bask in his callous disregard of social programs and public responsibility.