Greenspan Predicts Own Unemployment will hit 100%

4 10 2009

Greenspan

New York.

— Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan predicted Sunday that his own personal unemployment will rise to 100% by January, 2010. Speaking to George Stephanopoulos, on ABC’s “This Week,” Greenspan said there are few signs that his employment figures would rise at any point in the near future, in large part because he has exchanged his public role as protector of the national economy for golfing, bird-watching, and nuzzling with his wife, Andrea Mitchell (whom he describes as his “stimulus package”).

“My own hunch is that I’m going to penetrate the 95% barrier and stay there for a while before I really slow down,” he told Mr. Stephanopoulos.

“What accounts for your remaining 5% employment?”

“At the moment, this interview…but as soon as it’s over, I should have no problem breaking the barrier.”

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South Carolina Governor Admits Extra-Marital Affair with Alpaca

24 06 2009

“Where’s The Governor??”

gov and alpaca

Gov. Sanford was spotted on Saturday, with Tita, at a quiet venue in Buenos Aires..Can you spot the Governor and Tita in the crowd below?

(Buenos Aires) — South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, having recently returned from a secret trip to Argentina, admitted Wednesday that he has been involved in an extra-marital affair…with an alpaca.

“I’ve been unfaithful to my wife,” Sanford told reporters in Columbia, the state capital. “I developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina. She is approximately six feet tall, woolly, and plush. Her name is Tita.”

alpaca1

Sanford Power Plant

Tita (left) and the Governor (right)

The affair began last year when Sanford was asked to pet-sit for his neighbor, Paul, a local sheep farmer. “If I had known that there had been an alpaca, I never would have…” he trailed off, overcome with emotion, “if it had been a ram or–hell, even a llama, this tragic affair might have been averted.”

In a statement issued Wednesday, Sanford’s wife claimed that she had complained two months earlier that “Tita is clearly not a hypoallergenic animal,” then politely requested that both of them move out.

“I deeply regret any harm that I have brought upon my wife, my children, and my dear, dear friend from Argentina. She is greatly troubled by these recent events and respectfully asks that reporters keep their distance or else risk the wrath of her spittle. If provoked, she may wark or orgle. These are noises that the two of us would like to keep to ourselves, like the private sounds of two, consensual mammals.”





Obama Appoints Czar Czar

12 06 2009

In the past several months, President Obama has appointed a wide array of bureaucratic chiefs–or, “czars”–to reform various parts of our struggling economy and crumbling administrative infrastructure. The appointments include a drug czar, a web czar, a car czar, a health czar, a bar czar, and a spa czar. Last week, Obama inaugurated an annual Czar-Bazaar to address members of his czardom. Surrounded by some 110 czars, however, the President became so overwhelmed that he forgot several of their names, confusing the Yar Czar (for peglegged sailors) with the Babar Czar (for threatening elephants).

meeting czar1

To simplify matters, Obama decided to appoint a new leader to regulate the booming czar industry. “Too many czars are out of work,” he told listeners during his weekly radio address, “and those czars deserve new jobs, benefits, and cozy sinecures. But without a leader–a czar czar–then how can these czars succeed? How they compete in a czar-eat-czar economy?”

czar czar ivan

The new Czar Czar, Ivan, anxiously awaits his appointment. In  anticipation, he devoured several interns and a page.





Rod Blagojevich Offers To Sell Bleeping Governor’s Seat

12 12 2008

rod11

Responding to recent allegations that he offered to sell President-elect Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat to the highest bidder, Blagojevich responded by upping the ante and offered to throw in his own soon-to-be-vacated Governor’s Seat. No one, however, has stepped forward yet to make him an offer.

“It’s a bleeping valuable thing! You just don’t give it away for nothing…you gotta pay to play. It’s bleeping mahogany.”





Palin Congratulates President Elect From the Country of Africa

8 11 2008

palin-family

After church, Palin’s family posed for this picture, on the Alaskan coastline. Palin would later identify Libya in the background.

After two months of arduous campaigning–the My-Fair-Lady-coaching, the six-figure wardrobing, the Katie-Couric-catfight-to-end-all-catfights, etc.–Sarah Palin finally joined John McCain in conceding their party’s nomination to President Elect Barack Obama.

Returning to her office in Anchorage with several McC-aides, the state governor stood in front of a bay window that offered a breathtaking view of the shores of Tripoli, then sighed. “Y’know, I think this may be a historic moment for the North African Free Trade Agreement.” (An aide tried to correct her, but she roguely slapped him across the face). “Their country has never appointed a President, so we should welcome Obama to this continent with open arms.”

Palin’s comments puzzled reporters, who sought to broach the topic of foreign relations with her. She stood on the other side of her governor’s desk, flipping through a magazine. There were eight children in the room, some crawling, others drooling. One was named after a snowmobile company.

A reporter politely asked her what she was reading, and, unable to muster a reply, she started to cry. “If Todd were here” (her husband was out seal-clubbing) “he would tell you what a strain this has been on our family…not to mention our nation. Between Russia rearing its head in our airspace and Africa popping up on our border, foreign relations have become impossible around here.” Noticing the stunned look on reporters’ faces, Gov. Palin pulled down a screen-map of the Bering Strait. “Now do you see? Africa has moved into our sea space!” she cried, her voice reaching a frantic pitch. She began to babble, then speak in tongues.

This reporter, for one, hightailed it out of there. You betcha.

berring-strait21





Six Trillion Dollar Man Rescued in Historic Bailout

28 09 2008

WASHINGTON: Convening last week for a special session at the White House, Congress agreed to release the legendary “Six Trillion Dollar Man” from captivity. After eight years behind presidential bars, the man (who answers only to monosyllabic grunts, like “W”) has largely remained remote from the general public, which–as his close trainers claim–he fears for its harsh demands for taxes on the wealthy and their glutted corporations.

“W,” who declined an interview with Doubletake (but did gnaw on one of our cameraman’s ears–leaving a mark) replaced the Six Million Dollar Man in 1978 when Steve Austin’s no-bid construction contract with Halliburton expired. Since that time, W has been upgraded twice, in proportion to the amount of debt that he’s amassed along the way (in 2000, Y2-W was re-tooled as the 6 Billion Dollar Man and, after the recent mortgage/bank crises, he has assumed the mantle of 6TDM).

“The Fall Guy” (after cryogenic-hip-replacement surgery)

Top investment banks, which previously bank-rolled the current administration’s rise-to-power, now crumble in the wake of a meltdown that can be traced to the overly inflated price tag of the current administration’s titular tit-head.

“But taxpayers need not be too concerned,” Republican candidate John McCain observed on Thursday, at the White House, “I have a fool-proof plan to get our country back on track.” Anxious Congressional representatives huddled around Senator McCain, who stood calmly next to a shrouded figure. McCain waited until Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen fell to both knees at Nancy Pelosi’s feet, then whisked the shroud away:

“Behold: the Bionic Woman!”





Sarah Palin: The Next Phase in the Party’s Evolution

1 09 2008

Fearing the demise of her own species, Sarah Palin (seen here on a baby-seal-clubbing expedition) opposes evolutionism.

She has swept simian beauty pageants. Hitchhiked without using a (pre-hensile) thumb. Coupled with her life-long (running) mate in the Alaska wildlife refuge. And her banana peeling skills are said to be legendary.

She is Sarah Palin, the presumptive Republican vice presidential candidate for the 2008 Election.

She is a beauty contest winner, an expert sharpshooter, an obedient wife, and a proud mother. Every Sunday at her Pentecostal church, she can be found thumping her chest and swinging from the rafters, railing against the evils of evolution…for obvious reasons. Many members of her Alaskan cabinet of Intelligent Design have supported her views, though they lack the ability to hear, see, or speak about the complexities of the real world outside of their insulated habitat:

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil…

However, one survivor has seen, first-hand, the negative, global impact of this governor’s environmental policies…