Erectile Dysfunction Linked to Frustration

Scientists have now confirmed that Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.) is linked, perversely proportionally, to symptoms of sexual frustration.

The test subjects, only one of whom could be reached for comment, allegedly admitted that E.D. “had let me down at a crucial moment. Sh*t--After the flesh I lost, they should call that f***er E.D. Amin.”

The scientists, who have successfully linked ED to all kinds of diseases and disorders (including lymphoma and pole-straddling), had not yet considered a relation to either frustration experienced during sexual activity or to the deceased cannibalistic Ugandan dictator.

U.S. Begins Rationing Rice

Bush has been backing his State Secretary “like white (house) on Rice.”

In response to recent demands for diplomacy from U.S. markets, the Bush administration announced Friday that it would begin rationing Condoleeza Rice to customers in order to ease the economic strain of recent weeks. Reporters for Doubletake encountered the Secretary of State in a San Bernardino Costco, where she alloted herself to ten customers for thirty seconds apiece—before being whisked away by Blackwater security guards to a Super Walmart in Boise.

Fifth Beatle Re-emerges, Shoots Hero, Evades Sheriff, Disappears