Final Score = Bush, 0; Irony, Infinity

Six Trillion Dollar Man Rescued in Historic Bailout

WASHINGTON: Convening last week for a special session at the White House, Congress agreed to release the legendary “Six Trillion Dollar Man” from captivity. After eight years behind presidential bars, the man (who answers only to monosyllabic grunts, like “W”) has largely remained remote from the general public, which–as his close trainers claim–he fears for its harsh demands for taxes on the wealthy and their glutted corporations.

“W,” who declined an interview with Doubletake (but did gnaw on one of our cameraman’s ears–leaving a mark) replaced the Six Million Dollar Man in 1978 when Steve Austin’s no-bid construction contract with Halliburton expired. Since that time, W has been upgraded twice, in proportion to the amount of debt that he’s amassed along the way (in 2000, Y2-W was re-tooled as the 6 Billion Dollar Man and, after the recent mortgage/bank crises, he has assumed the mantle of 6TDM).

“The Fall Guy” (after cryogenic-hip-replacement surgery)

Top investment banks, which previously bank-rolled the current administration’s rise-to-power, now crumble in the wake of a meltdown that can be traced to the overly inflated price tag of the current administration’s titular tit-head.

“But taxpayers need not be too concerned,” Republican candidate John McCain observed on Thursday, at the White House, “I have a fool-proof plan to get our country back on track.” Anxious Congressional representatives huddled around Senator McCain, who stood calmly next to a shrouded figure. McCain waited until Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen fell to both knees at Nancy Pelosi’s feet, then whisked the shroud away:

“Behold: the Bionic Woman!”

Bush Leaves Nation Twelve Digit IOU

WASHINGTON: Despite mounting concerns over our nation’s current economic crises (in crumbling housing markets, sky-rocketing gas prices, and rising penalties on nocturnal emissions), the President put his cabinet at ease this afternoon by offering a “bona-fide gare-ahn-tee” that he would remunerate the 1/2 trillion dollars owed by his current administration.

“Look here,” he said, “I know we’ve racked up a pretty penny here, but I have taken measures to pay back every yen–ahem–dollar. Now a standard, government-issued I.O.U. just ain’t going to cut it, so we’ve added a few extra O’s. Why? Because I owe you so big that I oooooooooooowe you.”

At this point, Ed McMahon (of Publisher’s Clearing House) appeared with his latest wife, Yvette, and a giant-sized check.

Yvette may or may not be pictured here (depending on the reliability of Ed’s memory)

“Yes!” Ed laughed, handing the check off to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen, “You, sir, are correct!”

Standing in front of the cameras, Paulsen held up the first-ever, government-issued

I, OOO,OOO,OOO,OOO,U

Cheney Linked to Muppet-Abuse Scandal

After nearly eight years as unofficial chief executive of the United States of America, Dick Cheney has managed to pull the strings of virtually every member of the Bush administration. What critics and pundits have only suspected about him in the past–his closet muppetophila—a former Press Secretary confirmed last Friday:

“George and all the top White House officials who knew the truth had been deceived–and therefore became unwittingly involved in deceiving me. Had any of them noticed that Cheney insisted on walking behind them at all times, either holding a platform under their feet or dangling strings above their heads—well, then, we might have said something. Actually, come to think of it, George almost did notice once–that is, until Karl Rowlf (the Dog) handed him a cookie.”

—Scott McClellan (giving the “Pull THIS string” gesture”)

Karl Rowlf’s dedication to Bush bordered on obsession; even Schroeder (from “Peanuts”) admitted that his close friend had a serious problem.

Within days after McClellan’s confession, other muppets began to step forward–of their own volition–including Lewis “Scooter” Libby, whose brief, tortured career in the 1970’s plummeted from the heights of glorified minor celebrity to the depths of lowly production assistant. Indeed, in the past two decades, Scooter has fallen out of the spotlight, joining the ranks of Danny Bonaduce, half the cast of Labrynth, and Beaker (after his crippling crystal meth addiction).

Beaker’s near-fatal meth-lab accident.

Retreating to a remote Wyoming ranch in the late 1980’s, Scooter rarely made public appearances, but was also rumored to have rekindled a close friendship with Dick Cheney–both of whom appeared together on “The Muppet Show” in 1979:

Scooter and Dick Cheney share a most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational moment together onstage.

Kermit D. Frog, who preceded McClelland as White House Press Secretary, left Bush I’s administration during the first Gulf War. “Dick totally got out of control,” he sighed, “those were his Dept. of Defense days, so a lot of that high-technology went straight to his head. I didn’t mind the smart bombs or the bunker blasters, but when he started talking about ‘Pigs in Space,’ my lady and I got the hell out of there.”

Around this same time, the heavy metal band “Metallica” released an album that not only would target Cheney as a blood-thirsty warmonger but would also cement the band’s reputation as muppet advocates:

U.S. Begins Rationing Rice

Bush has been backing his State Secretary “like white (house) on Rice.”

In response to recent demands for diplomacy from U.S. markets, the Bush administration announced Friday that it would begin rationing Condoleeza Rice to customers in order to ease the economic strain of recent weeks. Reporters for Doubletake encountered the Secretary of State in a San Bernardino Costco, where she alloted herself to ten customers for thirty seconds apiece—before being whisked away by Blackwater security guards to a Super Walmart in Boise.

Bush Appoints National Insecurity Advisor

WASHINGTON: Stephen J. Hadley, a mild-mannered, former insurance salesman from Kalamazoo, Michigan, has gained renown in certain circles (State Farm’s Mile High Club, the Heritage Foundation, subterranean Masonic brotherhoods, etc.), comfortably aware that he was fifth-man-in-waiting in an administrative line of succession that could never turn over that many times…or so he thought. When Condoleeza Rice retired as National Insecurity Advisor in 2005, Hadley was offered the position, but recoiled at first, then paced around in circles, muttering “definitely, O’Reilly Factor, 4 o’clock, definitely” over and over again until aides forcibly relaxed him with sedatives.

This past Monday, in response to overwhelming concerns about nuclear armament in Iran, Hadley faced his first public press-conference (the last four had been held in a sanitized vault on his Montana ranch).
“Now I’m sure that the many of you that are here today—yes, the many, many of you–would like me to explain why Iran has halted its nuclear enrichment program four years after we thought they failed to do so…but now they have succeeded in meeting expectations that we have yet to hold up to the rest of the world ourselves.”

Reporters were stunned, speechless, by Hadley’s candor, an emotion they had not witnessed in at least seven years of federally-embedded press coverage.

” As the President stated today, you’re going to see a lot of repositioning of forces in the next several weeks, and I’m not sure what that means either, but it sounds gravely serious (clears throat): I see they’re giving me the ‘throat-slice’ gesture back there, heh heh (coughs). Boy, next thing you know, they’ll ask me to leave with the same lucrative investment options they lured me into this spot with. Talk about repositioning!”

(A cane materializes, yanks Hadley clean off the platform).

Bush Seeks New Image For Global Warming

Will Ferrell as Dubya on Global Warming

Bush and Cheney as the Dukes of Hazzard (Patton Oswalt)

Bush Deploys “A-Team”

Yesterday’s visit was the president’s third to Iraq, but the importance he attached to it was underlined by the seniority of his entourage. “I brought out the A-team,” Mr Bush joked to the marines.

–Suzanne Goldenberg, “The Guardian” (Sept. 4)

Thirty-five years ago, in 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to Guantammo Prison by a military tribunal for a crime they didn’t commit: extreme rendition. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade and traveled (by raft) back into America. Today, still wanted by the government, they have been hired as soldiers of fortune (with no-bid contracts). If you have a problem, one that requires corporate-sponsored paramilitary operations, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…the A Team.

A-TEAM

Rove Recalls the Halcyon Days of Watergate…

Today, President Bush bid farewell to his closest, most loyal advisor: Karl Rove. And a-rovin’ he will go, home to his crone, his kiddies, and kidney stone.

It was an emotional ceremony. Karl offered a moving speech, holding back the tears. He made many pleas to the grand future, to “God, the Almighty,” patting that soft fuzzy spot in his chest called patriotic zeal. The President hugged him, on national television: a first. Karl held on for dear life until secret servicemen restrained him, escorting him away to a helicopter.

Watching him go was a little like watching Elvis in the mid 1970’s. Speaking of bloated, delusional supporters of Nixon, Karl Rove must remember those days very well. In the back of his mind, there might have been a glimmer of recognition, a faint memory of the extraordinary role that he played in helping to reshape political campaigns for the Republican party. No longer would electoral politics be based on the stump speech but on the canvas-mail campaign! Who needs to build a base at the bottom when you can start at the top?

Let’s take a moment and remember Karl in his halcyon days, a mere few months before Watergate. And before watching this clip, notice the investigative reporter? Hint: he was once fired for leaking false information to the press. Ironic, ain’t it?

Rove / Nixon