Stock Prices Rise Following Rumors That Stock Prices Will Rise

C.E.O. Ponders Global Domination, Strokes Hairless Cat

Blankfein, at the helm of Goldman-Sachs, has recently made a number of inappropriate comments, including…

1. Accused chestnuts “of being lazy.”

2. Called another bank president, who happened to be Muslim, “Mustapha,” then burned him alive, then shot him twice.

3. Hired a small, onanistic replica of himself to “stroke hairless cat.”

4. Denied comment as euphemism in #3.

5. After hearing about a fellow investment bank’s collapse, proclaimed: “Dance now, Little Bear (Stearns)! Dance now!”

6. Recommended placing alternative energy executives in a “burlap sack” to be “whipped.” Pretty standard.

7. Demanded a profit of “2.09 beeelion dollars” from the Federal Reserve Board.

8. Denied connections to Adolf Hitler.

9. Denied connections to Robert Zoellick (former C.E.O., Goldman Sacks, current President of The World Bank).

10. Affirmed likeness between Hitler and Zoellick (below):

Grolsch Arranges Historic “Vowel Movement” Into Beer

AMSTERDAM: After nearly four centuries of proud vowelessness, the executives of Grolsch have finally reached a consensus and decided to have a long-overdue vowel movement into the title of their beer. The company was originally opened in 1615 on the IJJklmnhm River by a pair of burghers, Jhn and Frnk, whom local villagers considered mad (their first abortive effort, a solar mill, closed after one week).

The Grolsch Family Solar Mill was soon converted…after the discovery of wind

Within a few years, however, patrons could be found lining up outside their small distillery, quaffing pints of the consonant-rich brew…the rest, as they say, is history.

The Grolsch Family’s failure to communicate was legendary. Simple tasks, as depicted in this painting “The Cupboard Watch,” could become daunting, all-day events.

Jhn Jcb Grolsch, the last living descendant of the family, reluctantly agreed on Monday to accept the overwhelming pressure of his fellow stockholders: “It pains me greatly,” he said, “and it pains my family greatly, too, since none of us, for three hundred years, has have ever had a vowel movement. Imagine my relief, when I finally heard the word ‘Groolsch.’ A great weight had been released from me and washed gently down the drain.”